By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
Tonight, I feel like an awful parent.
I feel like a failure.
These feelings don’t happen very often, but when they do, they hit hard.
For me, these feelings usually result from my kids making big mistakes. When those big mistakes coincide with one of my weak days, I tend to make an ugly storm. Tonight was one of those storms.
Like most storms, this one started with rumblings. I worked later than I should have, so I was behind. It also happened to be family STEAM night at one of my kid’s schools. As I raced to get a decent dinner on the table, my kids chatted about what events would take place at the STEAM night. One of my kids predicted a science fair. The other assured us there would be a fair, but they wouldn’t be in it.
I asked my kid why their class wasn’t participating in the science fair. My kid said the class was invited to, but they didn’t want to do it. As this was the first I was hearing about this science fair, I asked if the teacher had sent paperwork home.
Apparently, paperwork had gone home, but my kid chose to throw that paperwork rather than show it to me. I was immediately very frustrated.
I told my child they wouldn’t be going to STEAM night because of that choice. Then I asked my kid if they had thrown out any other parent paperwork. Apparently, in tandem with Pick-A-Math-Partner and STEAM week, kids were supposed to be completing an activity packet with their parent partners. That packet had also gone in the trash.
What came next rarely happens, but on this particular evening, I had reached my breaking point. I totally lost it.
You see, my kid is a straight-A student. They are an incredibly smart and wonderful human. But, as smart as they are, they sometimes make some very big mistakes. They have been known to lie and cover their trail. They also have trouble controlling themselves. They live to test limits.
When they revealed their deceit, I started yelling. I let the consequences fall like rain from the Syracuse sky. I yelled about their behavior, expectations, life choices and the importance of character. I yelled about a lot of things.
In an attempt to right their wrongs, I made them do the pick-a-math-partner packet by themselves and sent them straight to bed. I took away their laptop, tablet and TV privileges. I warned them there would be other consequences. I kept at it for a while.
So why am I sharing all of this? Because us parents need to share the ugly stuff. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to instill good values, be a good role model and coach your kids to do the right thing, your kids are going to fail. Your kids are going to make poor choices, be deceptive and do it all over again. And within that process, you’re going to display some bad values and stop being a role model.
As a parent, you sacrifice so much and give even when your gas tank is so empty that it’s spitting rust up the gas line. And sometimes, everything you do (and don’t do) isn’t going to be enough to save your children or yourself from being human and erring.
And that is going to cut you, in the way that only your children deceiving you and you failing your child can. It’s a special pain. And if you behave like I did tonight, you’re going to turn that visceral pain into anger and you’re going to make it rain flames.
After you lose it, you’re likely to start reflecting. You’re going to become more disappointed in yourself than you’re in them. That realization is going to make the pain even worse. You’re the adult after all. You have a fully formed brain and years of experience, so you should know better than to let anger rule you.
But the thing is, knowing better doesn’t mean that you always do better. That’s one of the worst realities about being human. There will forever be times where you know the choice you’re about to make is regrettable and damaging. Then, you will go ahead and make that choice anyway.
In my case, after I reflected, I understood how my kid could have thrown that packet in the trash to avoid the science fair. I didn’t understand why, but I understood how. That packet went in the trash because they are an amazing human being who sometimes makes big mistakes. We are all bad sometimes. And as much as we deserve the consequences of our actions, we also deserve love, forgiveness and additional chances to do the right thing.
So, I went to my kid’s bedside and apologized. I told them we would talk about everything tomorrow. I reassured my kid I loved them and they didn’t deserve to be yelled at. I told them we both made mistakes today and I would try to learn from mine and do better next time. Because, that’s all we can ask of ourselves and others — to keep learning and forgiving.