By Gwenn Voelckers
A steady rain was falling.
It was one of those dreary Rochester days that made me want to pull up the covers and stay in bed.
As I struggled to start my day, I couldn’t help but recall the daunting journey I embarked on after my divorce.
I felt lost and alone in my search for purpose and meaning in my new solo life.
If you are living alone after a divorce or the loss of a spouse or partner, the newfound solitude in a quiet home can feel empty and overwhelming.
But it doesn’t have to.
When I found myself in this situation, I got professional help and was reminded of the transformational power of a positive outlook and acting decisively to create a better life.
Drawing on those insights, I followed a three-step approach for personal growth and happiness. It has worked for me, and I continue to work this plan when life’s challenges seem insurmountable.
Perhaps you, too, will find this approach helpful in trying times.
STEP ONE: Put it all out there
Take a deep breath and list your worst fears, self-doubts, and negative inner thoughts that keep you up at night. Be honest with yourself — it’s OK to acknowledge the dark thoughts that haunt you.
Here are some examples to get you started:
• I feel guilty for not being able to save my marriage.
• I worry my kids won’t want to be around me anymore.
• I feel worthless and unlovable.
• I worry about my health deteriorating and having no one to care for me.
• I fear never finding love again. Or joy.
• I believe I’m too old to start over.
• I am ashamed of my current situation.
• I feel overwhelmed by loneliness.
• I’m convinced that my life has no purpose.
• I fear dying alone, miserable and penniless.
• I’m terrified of the unknown future.
It’s easy to get stuck in this quagmire of negativity, but know that you’re not alone. Recognizing and articulating your negative thoughts is the first step towards liberation.
STEP TWO: Envision a better future
Next, ask yourself, “How do I want to feel six months from now?” Envision the future you desire, and identify the emotions you want to experience. What kind of person do you want to become?
Here are some sample goals to inspire you:
• More connected with friends and loved ones.
• More confident and courageous.
• Proud of the example I’m setting for my children.
• Filled with hope and optimism.
• Empowered to make decisions and take control of my life.
• Healthier and more energetic.
• Less weighed down by guilt or regret.
• At peace with my past and present.
• More forgiving of myself and others
• Capable of handling challenges and bouncing back from setbacks.
• More comfortable and content in my own company.
A simple shift in attitude can be incredibly empowering. By focusing on what you want to achieve, you begin to move away from self-deprecation and toward self-worth.
STEP THREE: Take action toward your goals
Lastly, ask yourself, “What concrete actions can I take today to move closer to my six-month goals?” It might be as simple as:
• Connecting with support groups for people in similar situations.
• Seeking professional counseling or therapy.
• Spending more time with friends or family.
• Engaging in self-care practices like prayer, meditation or journaling.
• Exploring new hobbies or deepening an existing passion.
• Volunteering or participating in community activities.
• Seeking financial or career guidance to alleviate monetary worries.
• Prioritizing physical health and fitness.
• Practicing gratitude and mindfulness.
• Enjoying “me time” on an overnight solo retreat.
Now, remind yourself that progress is not a destination – it’s a journey. Living alone after a significant life change can be overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that it’s never too late to pursue a more fulfilling existence.
By acknowledging your negative thoughts, visualizing a brighter future, and taking action toward your goals, you can feel more content, more confident, and more at peace.
The secret to transformation is already inside you. Embrace it, and watch your life change for the better.
Gwenn Voelckers is the author of “Alone and Content: Inspiring, empowering essays to help divorced and widowed women feel whole and complete on their own.” She welcomes your thoughts on this column as well as topic suggestion for future essays at gvoelckers@rochester.rr.com.