By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
Forget the executive orders. Forget the division. Forget everything you learned in high school biology.
Instead, I want to talk to my readers about trans kids on a different level.
I want to take the anger and politics out of the picture and write something from my heart.
Because there are a lot of people who are actively hurting trans kids with their rhetoric and that is not OK.
Whether you’re a regular reader or someone who is waiting in a doctor’s office and picked up this paper out of boredom, I encourage you to read this article — especially if you don’t agree with me; especially if you don’t think being trans is a real thing and it’s a choice; especially if you think being trans is a modern invention or a trend that some kids just try on for fun.
If you are having a hard time accepting trans kids, this column is for you.
First, I’m going to start with a basic human truth — we all want to be loved by some fellow people and belong somewhere. That longing for belonging is what makes us cheer for our favorite sports team or talk for 30 minutes straight about our favorite band with fellow devotees. The drive for love and belonging makes us join book clubs, trivia leagues and volunteer groups. Many of us have been on a lifelong quest since childhood for our parents’ approval. The need to be accepted among our tribe is akin to survival. Love and acceptance give us feelings of safety and stability that we can’t get anywhere else.
True love comes when someone sees our whole self and still sticks around. People who truly love us see our messiness, imperfections, flaws and darkness and still give us a seat at their table. Truly loving someone means loving all of them, even the parts that we disagree with. That kind of love is what gives the human spirit strength and hope.
I want to say something unequivocally: trans kids are human beings who have the same need to be loved and accepted as all other human beings. You cannot deny their existence any more than you can deny your own. They are not challenging your way of living by simply being themselves. They are not forcing an agenda on you or your children by simply existing.
But maybe you think being trans is weird, wrong, evil, unholy, unnatural or inconceivable. Although I don’t agree with you, you have every right to feel that way. If you feel that way, I encourage you to ask yourself the following question: how many other groups of people do you feel that way about? When you think about it, it’s probably quite a long list.
I’ll share a few examples of my own. I find it inconceivable that anyone would want to be a racecar driver or a stuntman. I find it unholy that anyone would dispose of a soda bottle by a babbling brook. I find it evil that some people spend their lives pursuing material wealth. I find it unnatural to like being indoors all of the time. I find it weird that people spend so many hours playing video games. But here is the thing about all of that: my preferences don’t matter. I’m not the morality police. I’m not God. It’s not my job to enforce my beliefs, preferences or creed on other people.
Despite disagreeing with such people about their core beliefs and practices, I recognize their humanity. I would not disrespect them or put them down. I would never try to invalidate their existence just because they do something that I don’t understand or agree with. In fact, I would socialize, respect and love such people, even though I don’t (and never will) understand them.
It’s not your job to understand trans kids. You do not have to agree with the concept of being trans. You can assert that basic biology says people are either boys or girls. I’m not asking you to examine the facts. I’m asking you to examine your feelings. Do you think that another person’s humanity should be decided based on your beliefs? Your god’s preferences? Your most primal fears?
You don’t have to compromise your beliefs to recognize the humanity of trans people. When you fail to see the humanity of others, you rob yourself of humanity. And when you deny someone else’s humanity, you love yourself just a little bit less with each infraction. And the less you love yourself, the easier it is to keep raging against something or someone you don’t understand.
Trans kids are real. They’re human beings who deserve the same basic kindnesses you would give to anyone whom you don’t understand. A person who is denied their humanity suffers in ways that you would not wish on your worst enemy. Trans kids are not hurting anyone; why hurt them? Next time you want to broadcast your disdain for them, I encourage you to pause and ask yourself what you have to gain and what you have to lose.
We all deserve to be ourselves, find our tribes and be loved. If you do not want trans people in your tribe, that’s fine. But extend them humanity, so they feel safe enough to pursue their own tribes, love and safety.
I encourage us to build a world where not everyone has to understand trans kids, but where it’s OK for them to love themselves.
Thanks for reading.